Monday, January 30, 2012

Bitty Outfit, Big Step

After losing our first baby at 10 weeks, I entered into this pregnancy leery, to say the least. In an effort to protect my heart from experiencing the unimaginable pain that comes from such a loss again, I didn’t allow myself to get caught up in the baby excitement. I told the friends and family who knew I was expecting that I didn’t want to discuss being pregnant, and I basically went about my business as if I weren’t... mentally, that is. 
This was an easy approach, as Cory felt the exact same way. We didn’t decide on this “plan” together. It was just how we both reacted, in an effort to protect our hearts from the possible ache that we didn’t know if we could face again.
I know it sounds... well, harsh, I guess, but we felt a second pregnancy was a great gamble that would either pay off or break us. 
Things started to change around week 16. We were still scared and worried that things weren’t going to work out, but a small glimmer of hope that they would work out started to grow. We heard a healthy heartbeat and had seen our sweet babe on an ultrasound several times. Plus, we had the confidence of our doctor, who felt things were proceeding as they should. 
Could this pregnancy really turn into a child? Our child? 
Then I saw this outfit -- a sweet sweater suit -- and I was in love. I didn’t know if I was having a boy or a girl at the time, but I thought this little number would work for either. And it was on sale! 

So I... 


...made the purchase.
This may sound silly, but this was a HUGE step for me. It meant acknowledging the fact that I was expecting a baby. A little person who would actually wear this adorable attire someday. It made everything feel... real. 
This was a turning point. 
The act of buying this one little outfit changed everything. It took me from just experience sickness and a changing body to being an expectant mother. It made things feel real. And wonderful!
Today, at 22 weeks, I’m still terrified everyday. Terrified something will go wrong. Terrified I’ll make a mistake. Eat the wrong food. Lift the wrong box. Take the wrong trip. Stress too much. Do something to jeopardize our child. But I’m also exhilarated. We’re going to be parents, which brings a feeling of excitement I can’t begin to explain or replace with anything I've experienced before. The hope I feel doesn’t eliminate the fear, but it certainly counters it and has me in a place where I feel I can actually enjoy this time in my life instead of fear it. Finally. 
And it all started with this one little outfit. An outfit I just happened upon in a local gift shop. It just goes to show ya that small blessings really can be found around any corner.  And I’m so thankful I happened around the right corner at the right time. 


*Paula* said...

I can relate Megan - pregnancy can make you feel like you have no control over your life (or the little one you are carrying). It's wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. Yay for 22 weeks! Here's to many more :)

Yukiko said...

I know exactly how you feel. After two miscarriages in a row (6 & 12 wks), I was terrified during the entire pregnancy with my last child and, though the feeling has abated a little, I'm still scared something will go wrong with my current one. Getting assurance from the doctor and having faith that it will all work out fine have been assuring. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!! You'll make a great mama!

VaryScrappy said...

Oh Megan, I wish I could take away your worry, but as a Mom-to-be, it is natural. Just don't forget to enjoy this period in your life and rejoice in the fact that there is a little girl growing inside you.

Here's to an uneventful 18 more weeks

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you and Cory!

Ashley Horton said...

That outfit is so sweet Megan and it will be adorable on your little girl!! :) We never experienced losing a baby, but I had the same feelings through all 3 of my pregnancies. I know that you love them from the second you know you are having a baby and to think that something might happen is the scariest thing in the world. But I am so glad you are moving into the phase of being excited and all of the fun things that come along with preparing for your new little one!!

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to everything you wrote. And unfortunately I have to tell you, that the sorrows will not stop. They just change - but there are still a lot of doubts and fears and worries regarding the health and the future of my little one and my one mother capabilities. I would take them all again - just because I have her and that is sth. so wonderful.
Focus on the little miracle inside you. Enjoy preparing, there are not many chances in our life to do sth. like that! And you have every right to be optimistic right now! The chances are great, 18 weeks to go, less than a half!
Personally I hate all the rules a pregnant woman has to follow. I can not believe that human beings are so fragile that sth. like a heavy box causes a miscarriage. Let me tell you, that some of my friends tried to induce labor that way, unsuccessful. But even with those thoughts in mind, I followed ALL the rules ;), too, of course.

Beth Hallgren said...

Congrats on taking that step! It will get easier :) Just remember...You can do anything you did before you were pregnant and pregnancy is not an illness.(straight from my Obstetrician) Enjoy :)

Nicole said...

Hey Meg, first off the outfit is too cute :). Enjoy this time being pergo it only lastes 9 months. Its easy to worry when your having a baby, but try not to worry. Your body is made for this :) (thats what the women told us at lamaze class when I was pergo) I wish you two all the best.

Melissa said...

Yay for you!! It's such a cute outfit!

natalie said...

Oh, friend (well, I know we're not REALLY friends, but still...kindred friends counts right now)! I could have written that post myself. I was TERRIFIED every single day with our miracle boy. If he didn't move enough, I'd worry. If I had the slightest cramp, I'd worry. Even if he was moving around like a soccer player, I worried. But he's here. And he's my little strong-willed, stubborn, hard headed bundle of preciousness. One more time, I am SOOO excited for you!!!