Monday, May 31, 2010

A Wonderful Surprise, Complete Excitement, Deep Sadness...and Hope



This is the story of our baby. I’ve gone back and forth a thousand times on whether or not to blog about this, but I feel that it’s the best way to get the correct word out about what’s going on in our life at this moment. I’ll warn you that this is a very emotional post and one that will be hard for me to write, but I do so for two reasons. 1. I want others who’ve gone through this or who will go through this to know that they’re not alone. 2. Since the news of my pregnancy was recently made semi-public, I feel I need to update you on the status of things. So *deep breath,* here goes.
[The pic above is of my first ultrasound, taken at 7.5 weeks. At this time, I saw the babe, complete with a healthy heartbeat. A moment that left me far too confident, I'm afraid.]


Our Surprise
One evening in May, I started feeling ill. I was sure I had a sinus infection, but the throwing up seemed out of place. After a few days of feeling crummy, I went to the doc where I found out that I did indeed have a sinus infection, but there was something else. I was pregnant. Wow! Cory and I weren’t actively trying for a baby, but we weren’t doing much to prevent such an occurrence either, so this came as a surprise, but not a huge shock. And I’ve never seen a bigger smile on Cor’s face than that day when I told him the news. It’s a look I’ll never forget.

[This ring was a Mother's Day gift from Cory. He said the big heart was mine and the bitty heart was Frank's. Frank is the silly nickname Cor gave the baby. LOL]


Our Excitement
While we weren’t exactly planning for a baby, Cory and I quickly adjusted to the idea of welcoming a little one, especially after I went to my first doc appointment at 7.5 weeks and saw the bitty babe with its bitty heart rapidly beating. If you’ve never carried a child before, you may have wondered why prego women always wrap their hands around their bellies. I know this question had crossed my mind a time or two. Well, I quickly learned that you instinctively do this. For me, it was almost like my way of saying “I’m here for you little baby, and I love you.” It astounded me how quickly I fell in love with this tiny life inside me as my hands sat on my still flat(ish) stomach. And Cory was just as in love. We started sharing the news with family and friends, we bought books (lots of books), we talked names, and we even started making plans to sell my Mustang Sally so we could buy a more appropriate “mom car.”

[We started sharing the news by telling our parents on Mother's Day. We found these cute "Wanted: Grandmother" cards that were just perfect. And we slipped a copy of the first ultrasound picture inside. How fun it was to watch our own moms open and read these cards.]


Our Sadness
I recently returned from a work trip to NYC and Buffalo, NY, where I was gone for more than a week trade-showing and teaching. While there, I started experiencing pain and light bleeding. Since I was doing a lot of walking and teaching for long hours, I assumed it was just my body’s way of saying “hey, I’m tired; take it easy for a while, eh?” Sadly, the night I got home from NY, Cory and I just knew something was wrong. The bleeding was very light, and the cramping was far from excruciating, so I still find it odd that we both jumped to the worst possible outcome, but we did. We sat in bed, each with tears in our eyes, trying to comfort the other. “It will be fine.” “There’s no sense worrying when we haven’t even talked to the doctor.” “The books say that light spotting and cramping is normal in the early phases.” This went on for a few minutes and then we both fell silent until we drifted off to sleep.

The following morning, I went to my doctor and had a second ultrasound. Before performing it, my doctor said that I shouldn’t worry. “The odds of a miscarriage after seeing a healthy heartbeat are only 5%,” she said. I quickly discovered from the blank look on her face as she moved the ultrasound equipment around that we fell into that lousy 5%. My heart dropped. To make matters worse, we immediately started talking “options.” Options? Options for what? Oh, options for how to remove the 10-week-old fetus from my stomach. Yeah, not exactly options I was eager to discuss at that moment. To make a long story short, I went into surgery that night, and by the end of that hellish day I went from being an expectant mother to being a person with an empty uterus and an empty heart.

[One of the many pregnancy books I bought and had started reading. Nowhere in any of these books does it say to expect the amount of heartache and loss that comes from miscarriage. It's such a painful experience, both physically and emotionally.]

Our Hope
It’s been a week since my surgery and Cory and I are doing our best to take each day as it comes. Next to my mom having cancer, this has been the hardest thing we’ve ever had to go through. But, though I’m far from ready to see the silver lining, I can say that we have been reminded of one thing, and that is how lucky we are to be surrounded by people who love us. Our family, friends and coworkers have shown us great love and support, which has made all the difference. It’s helped us realize that there is hope. And while we may not understand why this happened (I don’t think we’ll ever come to terms with that), we do understand that we’ll survive, even if it is one day at a time. We also realize that we’re not alone in understanding this pain. There are sadly SO many who’ve gone through this same tragedy. I was stunned at the hospital after my surgery when the nurse said that 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It was definitely an eye-opening moment for me.


Another source of hope--my sweet husband. I never thought I could love him any more, but I do. He’s been nothing but a rock of strength and comfort for me, all while licking his own wounds. His heart is as broken as mine, yet he’s been here every step of the way to help me mend. The love he’s shown gives me the hope that we’ll one day welcome a babe into a very loving home.

For all of you who’ve shared in our surprise, our excitement, our sadness, and our hope, I thank you from my heart. You make us stronger, you make our lives better, and we love you!

89 comments:

Gretchen said...

ugh. i am so sorry Megan.

Sally Lynn MacDonald said...

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I understand all too completely. Love and huddle together for now. My heart aches for you both.

jeff said...

We all love you and are a phone call away if you need to talk. Hang tough. Same for Roy.

Suzy West said...

Megan, I'm so sorry!!
I have had two miscarriages and know the feeling of sadness when this happens.
My prayers are with you and your wonderful husband!
Hugs
Suzy

Kylie B said...

Oh no I'm soo sorry my heart really goes out to you!

Sharyn said...

oh megan. hugs, thoughts, prayers and more hugs. I've had one miscarriage and I well remember the heartache. It's amazing how quickly those little fetuses bring out our love. I had mine all grown up, graduated and married in the one week I realized I was pregnant before our loss.
wishing you peace
and more hugs

Kyla said...

Megan and Cory . . . I'm so very sorry. ((hugs to you both))

Latisha said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Here a few quotes I found for you.

"Sometimes love lasts a moment.
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,
Then she whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

sarah de guzman said...

big hugs to you megan.

you have so much strength for sharing that with everyone... that takes a lot of courage. by sharing your experience, i think you have helped others who have gone through the same thing.

know that there is always hope, and stay strong.

hugs,
sarah.

Becky said...

Much love to you and Cor.
Our first pregnancy was a similar story, it brought us much closer and also provided the common thread between us that we were ready to build a family from a surprise, and we have had many since then.
What a wonderful and loving home you both will provide to the sweet angels that will join your family.

B-

Susan Neal said...

My dear friend. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Here's some hope. 5 miscarriages in 2 years, 5 children in 13 years. But for now, grieve. Your mind needs it and your heart deserves it.

scrappingmom said...

I am so sorry Megan. My heart and prayers go out to you both.

Alicia said...

so sorry my sweet friend.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry you've had this experience. I've fallen into that 5% twice, and it's hard. Once you see that little heartbeat, no matter how early, you connect with the little one growing inside you.

You're right, the books don't tell you what to expect emotionally. There's ups and downs, good days and bad days. Don't be afraid to go through the grieving process.

Our prayers are with you.

Chandi said...

I'm sorry Megan. I heard but reading (hearing) about it coming from you made me feel more emotional as to what happened. I couldn't imagine ever going through that if you ever want to talk i'll be home at the latest by eight for the next few weeks. :)
We're all here for you Love ya.

Lisa Dorsey said...

Oh Megan, I am so very sorry for you and your husband. You are in our prayers.

Linda Rodriguez said...

Oh Megan, I'm so very sorry for you and Cory! As someone who struggled with secondary infertility for several years and then went on to have an ectopic pregnancy and then a miscarriage (after seeing the heartbeat as well - guess I'm in that 5% too), I feel for you. Sending lots of hugs and prayers of peace your way.

laura vegas said...

i am so sorry megan and cory. my heart goes out to you both, as you work through this.

Maren said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

rae said...

((((huge squishy hugs))))) I am so sorry Megan.

Lisa Swift said...

Sending big hugs to you, Megan. Having a miscarriage is such an emotional and physical event, something I went through way to many times in the twelve years it took to conceive my sweet Alexa. I promise you will find strength and hope in yourself that you never even imagined. The love and support of others will be a blessing to you as you make your way through this maze of grief. :)

Lisa

{VICKI} said...

So sorry to hear your story. I have had 2 miscarriages before finally getting a baby boy.
Hope you find the strenght you need to get you through.

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry, Megan. ((((hugs))))

Emily Call said...

Megan,
Oh, I am so sad for you right now. Looks like you have a lot of people to help you through this tough time.
Hugs. I am thinking of you.

Cassi said...

how brave of you to share, certainly not an easy subject to put out there. i'm thinking of you and cory as you navigate this difficult time.

abbeyviolet said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. You are not alone and sadly so many of us have been there, including me. I've written about it here (http://tinyurl.com/253xkfb) and here (http://tinyurl.com/25ly44j) Virtual hugs to you.

Wendy Sue said...

Oh Megan, I am so sorry. I'm sad for your loss and can empathize with your heartache...wish there was more I could do, other than send love and thoughts your way...

Lisa Johnson said...

Megan, I know that both of your hearts are aching. I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. We had a similar experience and understand the sorrow. We will be keeping you and your hubs in our prayers! (((hugs)))

Erin said...

I am so sorry, Megan. I can't imagine the saddness and pain you're feeling. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

Julia said...

Sending some hugs your way! {{hugs}}

cc said...

heart wrenching news megan, i am so sorry. but you are amazing, and one day i have no doubt you'll be an incredible mama. big hug.

crj

BonnieRose said...

Megan and Cory, I've lost 3 children in my lifetime.It's hard, it's always hard. You mourn what could have been. Take heart. People love and adore you. The sun will be there to shine on you both. It will. HOPE is what will get you through. xo

Neko said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I've had a miscarriage as well. Such a hard thing to go through. I'm thinking about you and Cory.

Tabitha said...

I am so sorry for you and Cory. My thoughts are with you both.

Lisa said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriages are a terrible thing, and people feel as if they have to keep them private. Like infertility. Which I am/was keeping private.

Erica Hettwer said...

Oh, Megan. I am so sorry. There is nothing that anyone can say to make it better. We lost our first at 11 weeks and it was terrible. Just know that there are people there for you and that it will be okay. We've got two now but I still think about our first one and who he/she might have been. But, it's with less sorrow and less pain than before. I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will get better. Big hugs to you and again, I am so very sorry. :(

Kimber McGray said...

Megan I am so very sorry. Many hugs and prayers sweetie.

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having a miscarriage I felt was one of the worst unexplained things happen to my husband and I. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband, be there for each other. After all that happened, my deepest hurt was while others talked (I had 4 co-works that were expecting too) about how miserable they felt, I just wished that I could feel anything but sadness.
Hugs and smiles for you and Cory.

Celeste said...

sending you and your husband huge hugs. my thoughts go out to you both.

Shaunte Wadley said...

Oh no! Megan, I am so sorry. :(

Kim E said...

Oh Megan, Your story brought tears to my eyes......I am so truly sorry for your loss. You are im my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time. Sending you {{hugs}}! Kim (3froggies)

DianeB said...

I'm so sorry for you and your husband, hugs to you.

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry Megan and Cory. My thoughts and prayers are with you both as you go through this difficult time.

Claire said...

I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, and went on to have two children without any other issues. It is a painful process, and don't underestimate the pain you will feel.

During the year following my miscarriage, I went to 13 baby showers. It was very tough. My best advice is to get pregnant again asap!

sue said...

Megan, So sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your husband that God blesses you again soon with a baby..... Know we are all thinking of you from the CKMB.
(lovetoteach23)

Tara said...

Megan, I know you've heard it all, but i am so sorry for your loss, i too know that excitement, and pain. I will be thinking of you.
((HUGS))
~tara

Mary Jo said...

I remember when the same thing happened to me. Almost exactly the same.
But I also can tell you that it gets better.
I am so sorry.

Karen Taylor said...

Just a giant ((HUG)) to you!! My thoughts are with you.

Keri Lee Sereika said...

Oh Megan I am so sorry for your loss...so much pain, but expressed so beautifully...and hopeful for the future...you really ought to print out this beautiful blog post and read it now and again if you feel discouraged and disheartened...My family and I will lift you up in our prayers...

K

Sabina said...

My dear sweet sista, I love you! My heart aches for you and Cor. Please know that we are here for you both.

the nayz said...

My heart goes out to you. I am so glad that you have such a wonderful and supportive hubby.

You are in our prayers

Renae Curtz said...

Oh, Meg, what a sad loss. A good friend of mine experienced the same thing two years ago. It was devastating... to give you hope, she just celebrated her son's first birthday.

My thoughts are with you and Cor. I'm so glad that you have so much support and love surrounding you - it will sustain you.

hugs,
Renae

*reyanna klein* said...

Oh, Megan! I'm so sad for you both. Nothing really can be said in times like this to make you feel better about the whole experience. I hate that because when my friends are hurting, I want, more than anything, to make the hurt go away. *sigh*

But know that I'm hugging you from afar, praying for you, and thinking about you. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. Love you lots! :-)

Alyssa Byron said...

a beautiful post, must have been very difficult to write but I appreciated it very much

Cathy Howell said...

Megan, hold nothing back when it comes to letting your crying out and hug someone when you need a hug! This advice comes from someone now entering her 5th year in greiving. I meet you in STL this year at CKC, only days away from having my 4th child, but my
2nd child left this life only 16 hours after he was born! You miss your baby everyday, but it does get easier, hang in there, you are in my prayers!

Shannon said...

Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. I too have been in that 30% with my 3rd pregnancy. Even though I had 2 children already, it was still a very difficult time in our lives.

Other posters are right. Don't hold back. If you need to cry, you need to cry...this is a loss, you need to grieve.

You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}

Shannon
p.s. we met at CKC Buffalo...

Karyn said...

I love your story. It made me cry. Though my heart cried anyway before, just knowing. Miscarriage is uniquely hard, because it really is a death, and you mourn it as one, even though it is so "common", and isn't always treated as such. I fell into that 5% too... sometime I'll have to tell you my story. And as you know from my flock, there certainly is hope.

Karyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Queen of Paper said...

Oh Megs!

I'm so sorry friend!
It truly does sink when life throws us "the good, the bad and the ugly" all in a short amount of time.

Hang in there friend. We went through MANY issues getting preggo the 2nd time. It's why I put on so much weight. After a long year... baby #2 was finally on his way.

Make sure to talk it out with family. I wish you the best girlie!

~H

Chelle said...

So sorry for your loss. I, too, have experienced this and I hope you get the time to heal that you need.

natalie said...

Nothing, NOTHING, I can say can make the pain one ounce better. But please, please know that are are so many of us who have walked the road before you. And it hurts in the worst possible way. We had a healthy baby girl with no complications 4.5 years ago and have struggled with infertility since her arrival. We've lost two babies (that we know of). I will be praying for you as you grieve the loss of the promise of life. I'm so sorry...

Leslie said...

I am so sorry. How heart-breaking.

*Paula* said...

Megan - I'm so sorry. I've been there so I know how it feels. Hugs. And more hugs.

Anonymous said...

Megan, I just heard about your loss. I am so sorry. I was so touched by your story. I know by sharing it, it will help you in the grieving process. Sending you both blessing of comfort and strength. Teresa

Kath said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kath said...

So sorry for your loss. Sending HUGS and prayers your way.

Cindy Tobey said...

I'm so sorry Megan. I'll be praying for you and Cory.((hugs))

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. May God bring you comfort and peace through this difficult time.

Heather said...

I do not know you, but know your story -- not from my own experience, but from too many friends who have been there. No words can express true comfort, but maybe there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone and there are so many women out there who understand where you are. My prayers of healing, both physical and emotional go out to you.

Angie Lucas said...

Oh Megan, I just barely saw this, after all this time. My heart aches for you. I'm so, so sorry you've had to go through this. I'm thinking of you today...

Charlet said...

Thinking of you, I am so sorry.

Nicole said...

Omg Megan, I'm do sorry to hear that. I blog post was very touching thank u for sharing your story with us. I wish you two the best. I will keep u guys in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Megan, I don't know you, and you don't know me, but your story touched me....I hope you find the peace you and your husband need. God is with you both!....

Mary

Spardha said...

omg!.. m soo sry abt that.. :(..
m 17 yrs old.. still a kid.. u cn scold me if you ever want to.. :)

Shemaine Smith said...

Megan, I'm so sorry. I am just getting around to some of my favorite blogs from being busy with CHA projects. I feel bad not to have come by sooner. Somehow no matter what life brings us it's much more bearable with the love of our life next to our side. I am thankful for your sweet husband and your family are there for you during this time.

Sherry Wright said...

I'm so sorry Megan, I know that pain too well and can only offer ((hugs)) from afar.

SharonS said...

Megan, I know this is almost two months after your post, but I also know that two months after a miscarriage you are still grieving. I had two and I understand. I'm so thankful that your sweet husband has been so wonderful. Hugs.

JulieHRR said...

I have been gone too long . . . I am so very sorry for your loss. It broke my heart to read your entry . . . memories flooding back as if it were just yesterday when we lost our 2nd . . . I could not make it through without a weep . . . Love to you, my friend. Love to you.

Carolyn said...

Meg, I'm so sorry! Unfortunately, I also understand the heartbreak. Complete and overwhelming. Take some time to recoup and treat yourself well! Prayers are with you, Friend.

Colleen - the AmAzINg Mrs. B said...

Hi Sweetie, it's Colleen from lomng ago..I just saw your appearence on teh Studio 5 segment (I DVR'd ) and wanted t touch base with youy once again. My heart hurts for you and I am reminded of a prayer I read once:

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down your baby's birth,
and whispered as she closed the book,

"Too beautiful for Earth."

May you and Cory find peace and rememberance in this chapter of your darling life -
Miss you and your wonderful lightness :-)

Ruth said...

Hi Meagan, I know you only through your lovely additions to CK and today I visited your blog for the first time and read this hearfelt entry with tears running down my cheeks. My first pregnancy was a very similar expreience and the grief was heartbreaking. We had welcomed that little baby into our hearts so innocently and openly, never suspecting what might happen. I remember every details with a clarity I have about very few things in my life. My heart beeds for you and Cory, it was such a sad time in our lives trying to recover from the shock and the grief of it.

nap time journal said...

Thanks for sharing this. I too lost a baby last summer at 12 weeks. It was the hardest thing I had gone through at that time in my life. Each baby that is born is a miracle. I wish you the best as you try again, for that will help you heal. You will never forget that little baby that was in you, I know I haven't :)

lifesLITTLEthings said...

My heart goes out to you both. Such a tough time for the both of you and I hope that you both draw strength from each other!

natalie said...

You just haven't posted in a while and wanted to check to see if you were doing okay. I'm praying for you guys.

Alyssa B said...

the sadness is apparent, but so is the hope...

and that is uplifting

Keep well
Alyssa

Susan K.Weckesser said...

Dearest Megan...I am so sorry! I know that that roller coaster ride is so hard. We lost five babes our selves & there were times when the pain was so unbearable. I wish U didn't have to feel that girl...U R in my prayers and thoughts!
Take care of yourself,

Anonymous said...

Many prayers and blessings as you go through this lose. My heart breaks for you.

Nicky from Canada

Carolyn King said...

Oh Megan--I am so sorry to hear about your sweet baby. There is nothing so hard as saying goodbye to your child.
I lost my son 9 hours after he was born (15 years ago) and it is still something I struggle with. But I know that there was a reason that these sweet angels come for a bit and have to go.
Saying prayers for you and your husband that you find comfort in each other.

Ree Donnelly said...

My heart goes out to you & your husband, sweetie. Big hugs...