Let the countdown begin. In one week I will officially be in my thirties. Eep! There are SO many things I thought I’d have done by age 30. And I’m proud to say that I’ve done many of those things. I’m married to the love of my life. I own a lovely (albeit dirty) home. I’ve established a career that I enjoy. I’ve traveled to many amazing places. I have a college degree... and the list goes on.
Yes, there’s naturally a but. There are things I haven’t accomplished.
While I started working on my Masters degree at age 24, a full-time job, a wedding I had to plan (my own), and a severe case of mono all got in the way of me ever finishing it. I had the best intentions that I’d go back to school after I was married. Has that happened? Nope. Can’t help but feel like a failure in this area.
More importantly, I always thought I’d be a mama by age thirty. As you may know, it almost happened (by accident) earlier this year, but that ended sadly last May.
Now I’m left wondering if my priorities were out of whack. Instead of investing all of that time and energy into my career, a career I love, should I have put more into this goal. It’s one of those things. You know, the “there’s time for that someday” kinds of things. Well, someday is here and I’m left feeling incomplete. Inadequate. Unfulfilled.
Please don’t get me wrong. I KNOW I’M NOT OLD. I know there’s still time to be a mom. And I’m proud of where I am in life. I treasure my life with Cory. I think it’s really fun that I get to see my name published on a monthly basis. I get a kick out of the silly TV segments I do. I value my family and friends SO much. And I think I do an alright job dealing with the frustrations of having narcolepsy (somedays are better than others, of course).
So, why is it that I still feel like I’ve done something wrong? There’s only one of me, after all. I can’t be all things to all people. Heck, I can’t even be all things to all me. I’ve done what I can with the life that I have. And I’m happy with the life that I have. Is it because I put these pre-established expectations on myself YEARS ago, before I was even old enough to know what life really is that these thoughts haunt me now? Perhaps. I just wish I could get past the self-set timeline and admire who I am as an almost-thirty-year-old woman without those “but you should have also done...” in the background.
I know, this is a little on the deep side for my usually crafty blog. These are just the things bouncing around in my head as the clock continues to tick, and I thought sharing might help me sort them out. We’ll see if it works. In the meantime...
Tick tock. Tick tock. Someone please silence that twenties countdown clock!