Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Twenties-Countdown Clock

Let the countdown begin. In one week I will officially be in my thirties. Eep! There are SO many things I thought I’d have done by age 30. And I’m proud to say that I’ve done many of those things. I’m married to the love of my life. I own a lovely (albeit dirty) home. I’ve established a career that I enjoy. I’ve traveled to many amazing places. I have a college degree... and the list goes on. 
Yes, there’s naturally a but. There are things I haven’t accomplished.
While I started working on my Masters degree at age 24, a full-time job, a wedding I had to plan (my own), and a severe case of mono all got in the way of me ever finishing it. I had the best intentions that I’d go back to school after I was married. Has that happened? Nope. Can’t help but feel like a failure in this area.
More importantly, I always thought I’d be a mama by age thirty. As you may know, it almost happened (by accident) earlier this year, but that ended sadly last May. 
Now I’m left wondering if my priorities were out of whack. Instead of investing all of that time and energy into my career, a career I love, should I have put more into this goal. It’s one of those things. You know, the “there’s time for that someday” kinds of things. Well, someday is here and I’m left feeling incomplete. Inadequate. Unfulfilled.
Please don’t get me wrong. I KNOW I’M NOT OLD. I know there’s still time to be a mom. And I’m proud of where I am in life. I treasure my life with Cory. I think it’s really fun that I get to see my name published on a monthly basis. I get a kick out of the silly TV segments I do. I value my family and friends SO much. And I think I do an alright job dealing with the frustrations of having narcolepsy (somedays are better than others, of course). 
So, why is it that I still feel like I’ve done something wrong? There’s only one of me, after all. I can’t be all things to all people. Heck, I can’t even be all things to all me. I’ve done what I can with the life that I have. And I’m happy with the life that I have. Is it because I put these pre-established expectations on myself YEARS ago, before I was even old enough to know what life really is that these thoughts haunt me now? Perhaps. I just wish I could get past the self-set timeline and admire who I am as an almost-thirty-year-old woman without those “but you should have also done...” in the background. 
I know, this is a little on the deep side for my usually crafty blog. These are just the things bouncing around in my head as the clock continues to tick, and I thought sharing might help me sort them out. We’ll see if it works. In the meantime... 
Tick tock. Tick tock. Someone please silence that twenties countdown clock!


Kathy said...

Megan, do you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior? There is a point in everyone's life where we just seem to "wake up" to the fact that all our best laid plans aren't as satisfying as we thought they'd be. Some are achieved, others are still a dream and some we realize aren't worth chasing anymore. Jesus is the missing link. He is the One who can fill in that empty space, that doubting, sometimes gnawing hurt within us. As you can see you've accomplished quite a lot in your short "almost 30" years so it really hasn't anything to do with what you have or haven't done. Believe me you could do it all and still feel this same sense of doubt or feeling of failure-that's because God made you. He made you for a relationship with Him. John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." That's the beginning Megan-that's where the emptiness begins to fill up. I know, because I was where you are now, only many years ago.
Praying for you!

sarahw said...

Megan, I hear you. I am leaving my 30's next week. BIG SIGH! I always felt that by 40 my life would be set, my dream job would be had, money would be stable, I would be thin, :) I don't think it ever is just is. Hugs, Sarah

Natasja said...

I said hi to the thirties 3 years ago. At that point I had made a list just like you...but than I thought..actually I am just turning one year older, just like every year. Things come when the time is ripe, also after turning 30 :)

Melanie said...

Megan, I love watching you on Studio 5, as well as following your blog. I've never left you a comment, but felt like I needed to on this one.

Although our circumstances are a little different, I earned my master's degree by age 25, but did not have the opportunity to be a mother until I was 32. He is my one and only child, and I am SO grateful to have him! He brings joy to me every day.

You also bring joy to so many people through the things you do. I know it's easy to look at the "should haves," but I believe we all ultimately follow the path we're meant to follow.

I'll continue to hope for you to have the amazing opportunity to be a mother. Thank you for your willingness to be public about your personal challenges.

About Me: said...

I am leaving my THIRTIES next year! I totally get you.
I think every stage in life brings those kinds of bittersweet hopes/regrets.
Women tend to marinate in guilt. And we compare the worst of ourselves to the best of those around us.
Focus on your positives...I know you do. (There are so many!)
Congrats on hitting your 30's. They are so liberating.

Melissa said...

I have been struggling for a while with the "I should have" and the "I should be" and I'm kind of getting tired of it... so I can understand. Try not to compare yourself to others, and I'm a big believer in that everything will happen when it should. You really have accomplished a lot so far, so don't despair. Each of our lives are unique. (((hugs))) and happy early birthday!

wxnoel said...

Hi Megan, I have never commented before, but I just want to say that I'm one of those people in awe of all your accomplishments! I have a master's degree and a 13 month old little dude, but I also went through a scary career change and a very sad miscarriage to get where I am now. (I'm 33 yrs. old) Somewhere along the way I came to the realization that everyone, everyone has insecurities and regrets and pain in their lives. Somehow, this makes me feel better even though I don't wish these things on people. I guess just knowing I'm not alone in the "human-ness" of our lives is important to me. Best Wishes, and Happy Birthday!

Amber said...

I appreciated this post as I, too, have days where I feel behind the ticking clock of shoulda, woulda, coulda. But I very much am amazed with how accomplished you are and am grateful to have a little of that rub off on me through our jobs. As Justin would say, "You're bring thirty back! (Yeah!)"

Kara Ward said...

Wrapping you in hugs and accomplishments!!!!

You are beautiful inside and out.

You have time for a family!

You have so many blessings!

Thirty is a better version of twenty but forty is when you find your feet and realize your potential. Fifty is around the corner for me. I expect great things!!!!

Love Ya!

Savannah O'Gwynn said...

WOW! We are the same age (turning 30 in August). It is kind of scary since I also think about my "To Do list" for my life. I think you have had a great 29 years so far--God will def. bless you in the next 30+!!! Can't wait to see what He does in your life--possibly the BEST is yet to come!! How fun is that? LOVE IT:) Happy birthday!!!!